a letter slut-shaming men will never read
I am writing you this letter to let you know, in case that you didn’t, that slut-shaming makes you a fucking monster, and doing it to the point of someone’s suicide only to verbally erase its importance makes you lower than dogshit.
Yes, I’m that fucking angry.
Consider the probability of this happening:
A fifteen year old American boy committed suicide last night after being verbally abused by classmates for having sex.
Never happenin’, right?
Oh, wait… before you argue that it does - please, tell me, what is the derogatory term for a man who has sex?
Oh! Before you use the obvious one, ask yourself why the word ‘whore’ has to be in it.
So, give up? Word.
In less than a month two girls have committed suicide because of their sexual or sexualized history.
One, Amanda Todd, was blackmailed after showing her breasts to someone she trusted, and that person betrayed her trust and showed her off for everyone to see.
The other, Felicia Garcia, had sex with four footballers one night and the very men she trusted her very body with called her a slut days afterward.
And in both of these instances, almost every man on earth seemed to receive this simultaneous transmission, from the penis right up to the brain, that it was cool to add insult to injury by arguing what is and what is not bullying, and arguing what constitutes a newsworthy suicide.
If you received that transmission, this makes you cruel and disgusting. I really want you to know that.
Let’s get suicide out of the way first. I won’t lie, back at the Amanda Todd case, I understood where you guys came from. It’s another blonde white girl with scars on the newspaper - what happens to ‘the rest of us’, the ones who have racism or classism or all sorts of ‘serious’ issues to deal with and commit suicide? Where’s their headline?
I get that. There are POC out there who deal with the same, for example, and never get press. That’s a serious issue, and it needs to be dealt with.
But - and let me make sure you don’t miss this part - NOT AT THE EXPENSE OF AN ENTIRE NARRATIVE. Where the fuck were you when these people were dealing with these things in the first fucking place?
So I am here to say I see right through that shite. You don’t speak on behalf of anyone who suffers. You are not anyone’s white knight riding in to save the day. You are the dragons they come to slay.
Now, to the really simple part - sex.
People have sex.
That’s supposed to be the fucking end of it, guys.
People have sex.
I’m sure you’ve had sex. I’m sure no one has written on your facebook page that you’re a disgusting person for having or enjoying sex. In fact, you’re more likely to have your boys congratulate you for your sexual debut.
You could quite literally have a girl bent over in the middle of the street in front of your house, and when people say ‘how disgusting!’ they’re not talking about you.
They’re thinking, ‘how dare this girl have sex
doggystyle in the middle of the street at this hour at all? Doesn’t she know better?’
You have been gifted with the magical forcefield of never experiencing slut-shaming. You will never be called a bad person for having sex. This is called ‘privilege’ - as in, if it were a right, women would have it too, but it isn’t. I repeat, men having sex will never be derogatory.
Now, women having sex? If she doesn’t, she’s a prude, and if she does, she’s a slut. A woman’s sexuality is constantly being under critique by people who will never have to experience such critique. By the very nature of your manhood, you will never have to deal with being bullied on the basis of having sex, not having sex, being desirable enough to be considered a sexual object, not being desirable enough to be considered a sexual object, or any of the sexual habits or lack thereof that you possess. No one ever points a telescope at your penis and demands it to meet their expectations.
Think about it. A young man had (what we presume was consensual) sex with a young woman, and then called her a slut for doing so. She was badgered literally to death by a boy because she gave him exactly what he wanted.
A girl premeditated to and actually did jump in front of a fucking train because patriarchy makes nasty creatures of men.
That’s how fucked up patriarchy is. And I’m kinda fed up of telling men ‘cut it out’ at this point. There is no ‘too privileged to know better’. This is FUBAR, and I have no problem telling you that you’re FUBAR if you think that was fucking okay.
I mean it. Send me a self-addressed stamped envelope and I’ll make a plastic canvas artwork saying ‘[Insert Name Here] is FUBAR’.
If that offends you, I’m not sorry. Every single girl you know has to deal with being sexualized by the male gaze. Your sister, your mother, and your girlfriend if you have one - they have all been desired by men you don’t even fucking know. All the jokes you’ve told, ‘I’d hit dat’, ‘she wants the D’, ‘the things I would do to her…’ - someone has made those or others to every woman you have ever met or did not meet. Things you will never be called have been said to every woman on earth.
You will never be scorned for being a sexual creature.
Sip on that. Let it marinate. Let your cells soak it in - you will never go to school fearing the next thing someone will say about what you did behind closed doors with a woman you trusted.
But the moment you open your mouth, you have doomed a girl to a lifetime of torment. In fact, you haven’t - someone else did that before you, you’re just a lump of coal in the hellfire.
So I’m not gonna tell you ‘cut it out’.
I’m gonna tell you ‘shut the fuck up’. I’m gonna tell you that you’re a disgusting creature and if I have to ask you twice to keep your hurtful, nasty mouth shut, I’ll just hit you so hard your lips swell too large to speak. People will send search parties for your jaw.
Because one girl taking her life because every man on earth is despicable is a girl too many. And we managed to outdo ourselves in that regard even still.
So seriously, Man. Whatever you wanted to say about the girl sitting in front of you in class, or your Spanish teacher, or that girl you saw in the club twerkin’ like it ain’t no thang - whatever it is, don’t say it. Really. I don’t care what you think, you thought wrong.